Friday, August 22, 2014


Well Jack Jack.
Mom hasn't posted in awhile. Like a long long while. Lily was 6 months old. So that was almost 2 yrs ago. :[ Its not that nothing was worth posting. Quite the opposite actually. So much was worth posting. SO MUCH. Our life has been just one big blessing after another. I just get so overwhelmed on what to write and how to condense it and, and, and. But now. Two days before I send you into a building I'm not that familiar with. Before I squeeze your hand and set you off for your first day with out me in big boy school, Im feeling all these emotions and I guess I just need to write them down. I am so so proud of you. Tonight at bedtime, we said our prayers and I added how thankful I was for you, you looked up at me, grabbed my hand and said 'Mom. I sure am gonna miss you on Monday when Im gone all day. Im going to be thinking about you ALL day'. I took a deep breath (mainly bc I really am on the verge of scarring him with all these tears and for petes sake it is PRAYER time. Gots to keep my cool) and responded, 'Me too buddy. Me too. BUT I think you actually wont miss me all that much. That's ok. You are gonna be so busy and having so much fun that you wont be missing me bc you wont have time to miss me!' You then said, 'Well I guess thats a good thing then huh?'. Exactly. This is how its supposed to be. Meanwhile, back at the ranch......... .

You are SO ready for this. So ready. In fact, I think that may be whats making me focus on my own darn self so much. Im not worried about you at all. Well I am a smidge worried about the normal things. Like will you pay attention (bc God knows your teacher isnt gonna ask you 20 times to put YOUR SHOES ON!). Will you be challenged. Will you learn to be less hard on yourself (Boy you want to be the best and if not....well then you don't want to do it at all. (Lord please let this teacher nurture that)). But other than that normal mom worry, Im not worried. Make sense? I knew a long time ago I was gonna have a hard time letting you go off to Kinder. I called it. I go through these moments where I am genuinely excited for you. Truly ready and happy. Then I get sad. Sad that our flexible days of doing what we please when we please are over. Some people are ready for this normalcy. This routine. They embrace it, need it and love it. Not me. I want to take you out of school whenever I please. I want to just pick you up early bc I just want too. I want to not have to commit to one way to drop you off or pick you up. I mean, why cant I just decide that afternoon??? There are alot of I's in that sentence. Selfish I's. I guess that's just your mommas rebellious disposition. Wanting to make my own rules. Some would say I should have just homeschooled you. But that's not fair to you or me. We work well together but not THAT well. I am not so sure I could be the right teacher of EVERYTHING for you.

You are a precious, gifted, thoughtful, deep old soul. I know that you will stay that way because that is who you are to the core. That is your soul. But I will say this. We are entering an era where the odds of people hurting your feelings or saying not such nice things are going to go up. That scares the ever living daylights out of me. BUT so will the odds of finding out all the different and wonderful things all these new people around you bring to the table. You will meet SO many new people with some different and some similar lifestyles. Wow. What a blessing to experience at such a young age. Without judging. Just loving every individual despite who they are or where they come from. I wish I could be more like that. I pray you embrace that.

I have done nothing but pour my heart and soul into raising you these past 5 and a half years and doing nothing but taking care of you and nourishing your body for 9 months before that. I have done all of it. I have loved every minute of it.

Above everything else, I dont want that part to be over. I dont want to send you to someone else for 8 hours FIVE freaking DAYS A WEEK. What happened to Kinder being a transition year? Is this my control freak coming out or normal? I cant say any of this to you though so I write it here. A safe place. A spot one day you will maybe look back and read later. Maybe finding solace in sending your own child to Kindergarten knowing that your mommy felt the SAME way. I think it must be fairly normal. Good golly the posts going viral about moms sending their kids to Kindergarten is almost as much as the ALS Ice bucket challenge. Look it up. ALS Ice bucket challenge 2014. I wonder how much money they will raise when all is said and done. You know.You still like to crash in the afternoons on occasion. I wont say 'nap' because that's what 'babies do', LOL. But you do like to crash, in your own bed, quite often. How in the world are you gonna go to school every day for 8 hours?!?!?! I am worried about this a bit too.

Seeing your excitement today at meet the teacher was special. You were a little shy at first and when your teacher asked your name you said 'Im Jackson Davis Johnston' and then it was like instead of being quite and shy you got excited. You looked around the room a few times, saw your friend and instantly started playing a game together. We showed you the bathroom and how close it was to your room (Praise the Lord bc you like to hold it until its an emergency). Then we walked into the library. Oh that was a special moment. You love books. Love to read, love to be read too, LOVE books. Your face was in awe of that big ol school library. You instantly said 'Ok lets find all the books on superheroes now'. Ha! I knew in that moment that this was ok. Hard. Well actually VERY VERY hard, but ok. You were really going to be great. You were really gonna be happy.

You are a lucky boy who has a wonderful year ahead of you. Im a lucky mom, learning how to navigate a new territory. Just like when I brought you home as a new baby and just like when I brought your sister home and had two children. There will be some road bumps I imagine, but we will do fine. We will be happy. We will have a great year. But on this day, two days before you walk into that building. Im going to cry. Alot. Because a-thats what I do, and b- Im happy and proud, c- the unknowns....AGH the unknowns. i like to know things people!  and d- Im also a bit sad. Ill throw a e in there too. e- Im scared as heck to be alone with your sister. She terrifies me. In a good way. I think. But I NEED you. So. hurry up Sep and Oct and most of Nov so we can have our week at Thanksgiving. Ill DEFINITELY need reinforcements by then.

I love you my sweet boy Jack. To the moon and back a trillion times and that wouldn't even come CLOSE to the amount of love I have for you. Go be an awesome Kindergartner. Ill go be an awesome PTO mom. We got this little man. To the next 13 years of school calendars and having you here. If they go by as fast as the last 13 years your father and I have been together Ill be a mess then too. For all the same reasons and more.

Good luck on Monday Jack.


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